Pearle’s Perspective #06: Empty Nest/Full Heart
Hello Friends,
My last post feels like another lifetime ago! So many milestones: Adam and I both turned 60, we celebrated our 20-year anniversary—and most importantly, we dropped our daughter Caroline off at college.
How can time stand still and race by at once? For months, I couldn’t think or write; my only focus was preparing my daughter for her new life. I obsessed over packing lists until she was stocked for an apocalypse. Her bed is cozy, her dorm is together, and she has everything she needs for a smooth transition.
Meanwhile, my husband and I had to face the reality that the center of our world would no longer be living under our roof. I savored every ordinary moment—meals together, Target runs, shared haircut appointments, Brandy Melville chaos, late-night debriefs when she’d stop in our room and fill us in about her evening out.
Over her last month at home, I made no social plans whatsoever, unwilling to miss a single encounter, even if it was basically waitressing and housekeeping. Washing her water bottle felt like a gift. I grew to love even the mess: clothes scattered everywhere, dishes left behind, her backpack tripping me up, stickers peeling paint, stains on new furniture. These annoyances became souvenirs of her presence.
As her departure date drew closer, I couldn’t function normally. I couldn’t bring myself to write my next newsletter. My only child was leaving home and I was unwilling to have my attention diverted, even for a second. I was so committed to savoring moments, that I even stopped shopping for shoes. For the first time in recent memory, fall shoe drops couldn’t distract me from my college bound baby.
She’s been preparing me for an empty nest since the day she was born. Caroline slapped my breast away at 6 months, ready for solids and breast milk on her terms. She was no longer attached to me solely for nourishment, but I always knew I’d stay attached to her. She was the lifeline to my heart.
I’ve never been a hovering helicopter Mom (even if I wanted to). On her first day of preschool, she pushed me out of the play yard, saying “Go, go, go, Bye Bye Mama.” After five minutes I had overstayed my welcome. I secretly wished for her to grab my leg and sob over the thought of being left at school without me. Nope, she wanted to do her own thing. While I walked down Larchmont weeping about the milestone moment, she was having the time of her life.
Caroline has always known who she is—confident, direct, compassionate, silly, and undeniably cool. She wasn’t immune to heartbreak, especially during the rougher high school years. Cruelty shocked me, but it never broke her. She went to every party she was invited to, even alone, determined not to miss out. She learned to pivot, to find new people, goals, and passions.
Not that she was immune to heartbreak—She had some horrific times over the last year and a half of high school. The cruel behavior took my breath away, but it never broke my child. She showed up to every party she was invited to during her high school “mean girl” era by herself. Because even worse than being solo would be to miss out on the party all together.
I spent so much time feeling bad I spent too long feeling bad for her instead of noticing her resilience despite the hurt she was feeling. She learned how to pivot, to redirect and discover new people, hobbies, goals, ambitions. I should have pulled my head out of my ass a lot sooner - and learned from the same lessons she had: to take each day to discover who I am, what I want, and who to surround myself with. She taught me to look beyond hurt and to shed my negative thoughts by simply waking up and walking forward. She did not carry the heavy load of the past, but was excited for the day that was waiting for her.
When we got to Boston, she made us leave a day early. I was okay with it, even excited, because her happiness matters most. We hugged her tight, left her dorm and walked directly to a bar.
My nest may be empty, but my heart is not.
Stay tuned for more P&P Newsletters and a whole lot more!
xoxo P + P
Photos by Zach Stevens
